It has been a hectic past four weeks. Family has been visiting. I have many trips up and down I25 from Pueblo to Colorado Springs to visit my son while he was staying at his mother-in-law's house, or to keep doctors' appointments. I have also made my share of trips up and down I25 between Pueblo and Erie, Colorado to babysit grandchildren and help out my daughter Amy in other ways. And, I've even made a trip up North to work on a professional project with which I have been involved over the summer.
I have struggled with anxiety, stress, pain, and grief throughout the summer. I am finally feeling better. I am learning to deal with my stress better. I'm no longer quite as surprised by the waves of grief that continue to wash over me. I am learning to expect this as I move forward in the healing process.
Today, I did get out of my hit or miss mode and got the roses deadheaded. I also gave the lavender a hair cut since I had neglected to harvest the blooms when they were in their prime. I am hoping for a second blooming.
I keep my old Olympus C740 in the shed to use to record work done on the yard and garden. I also take photos to remind me how a certain bed was planted the year before, or to remind me of lessons I need to learn as I plant in coming years.
Yes, gardening is a form of autobiography.
- Spacing and planning ahead
- Think before you commit to something that might be a hard thing to remove in your life.
I was so upset with him at the time.
|Digging out Russian sage|
|Using an ax to get the job done|
- Gardening and grief
As in gardening, we must make choices in how we respond to grief.
it takes at least eighteen months
- The pink rose bud: Queen Elizabeth
- The white rose: Pope John Paul II
- The red rose: I did not record the name for this rose. I named it Julie many years ago.
- The pink/yellow rose: The Peace Rose
|Julie and Phoenix|
|Julie and Phoenix|
Sit with it: I've learned from many sources that while many may think that people who are suffering great loss may think that they must just push through it and carry on, in reality, it is really necessary to take time to sit with one's grief in order to heal. Some call this "soul work." One must be willing to mentally and spiritually visit some dark, lonely, and confusing places that threaten to overwhelm the emotions when sitting with grief and letting it wash over one's physical and spiritual being. One must trust that healing will come. Some fear that if they start crying, they might never be able to stop. In reality, no one ever cried forever and ever. I sometimes suddenly find myself sobbing over a remembrance, but once I've expressed the emotion I am feeling, I am ready to move on with my day. I feel better. I am grateful for the memory that brought the acknowledgement of the treasure I have lost. I am then able to see other blessings that surround me.
Grieve it: Julie was one of the great treasure of my life. Losing her brought what C.S. Lewis and others have called "the dark night of the soul." It is in the dark night that one learns that one truly has a soul. In this dark night of the soul, I discovered more truth about life, and love, and faith than I learned in any other experience. I am grateful for others who have also grieved deeply who have shown me the way to walk through this valley. I learned I must deal with my grief or it would deal with me.
And so today, I've taken the time to let grief wash over me. I've also celebrated the life that was given to me for 34 short years. I hold Julie's memory in a special place in my heart. I grieve her, my sweet Jules. It was her strong, beautiful, intelligent, funny, spirit that once brought such great joy and richness to my life. Her depression and illness also brought me great worry and pain. I grieve over the pain that she suffered in her life. I wish she could have known healing and peace in this life.
In my stillness today, I allow grief to wash over me. I would never deny my soul the need to grieve the loss of the treasure that was my beautiful Julie.